Another "Hospital" Kid

*Warning* this post is a bit of a whiny post and probably makes me sound like a horrible person.  It is real though and I always plan on being honest in my postings.  

When Kadence was getting loaded up in the shuttle van to be transported from Shriners to Primary Childrens to have her kidney ultrasound (back in April) something that was said really affected me.  The driver whom we absolutely adore, Jake, and I started making small talk.  I was alone and nervous and he was so easy to talk to which made it really nice.  I asked him if he liked driving people around and he said  he did and then he said "I was a hospital kid too...."  he went on to explain that he wanted to help children in hospitals but he didn't want them to be afraid of him.  That phrase "I was a hospital kid too" has taken me quite some time to work through.  Because I know English and grammar and although I might not always use proper grammer, I am sure that he meant the word "too" when he said it.  Too means also which meant that he was saying Kadence was a "hospital kid."  I sort of brushed it off.  I mean Kadence is clearly NOT a hospital kid.  Or is she? She isn't living in a hospital for months at a time, she isn't a Make a Wish recipient, she doesn't have a terminal illness so she for sure isn't a hospital kid.  It seriously kept repeating through my mind and I finally thought it through. I've had time to think a little more about it and I realized that by the time she turned 8 she has stayed overnight in a hospital for at least 80 days.  She has had at least 4 MRI's, but David and I honestly can't even remember.  She's had over 200 x-rays.  Blood work no longer scares her or even phases her.  She understands more medical terminology than most children, or adults for that matter.  She has had 2 other surgeries not in reference to her back.  She has had many outpatient procedures done which involved full sedation.  We have the 6 hour long dr appointment down to an art.   She is part of an ongoing study.  She was a pioneer of a new medical procedure.  Hospital rooms don't bother her one bit and she loves seeing what kind of view she'll have.  After thinking all of this through it hit me.....I have a hospital kid.  When did that happen?  I have always just handled each situation individually but never realized exactly what it meant when put together.

So what does it mean to have a hospital kid?  It means that I have lost my sympathy and empathy.  I HATE that it has done this to me.  I often hear how parents hate to drag their 2 or 3 kids to a dr appointment.  Then they complain that it took an hour in the waiting room and they were there for 2 or 3 hours.  I instantly think in my mind....Three hours?  Oh the horror! (Sarcasm is included of course)  I try to be sympathetic.  I mean at one time a three hour dr appointment might have killed me off.  Then when people complain that they stayed a "WHOLE week"  in the hospital as an adult. I truly try to stay level minded but can't help but think "I would stay a whole month if I never had to see my child in a hospital bed again and I wouldn't complain one day of it because surely that is easier than watching your child." I try to stay level minded and realize people don't know exactly what our little family goes through nor would I want them to.  I try to avoid complaining because there are so many people whom have it a lot worse.  I do believe we are lucky and we are blessed.  I honestly do.  I try to keep the worries, frustrations and stresses to myself.  They aren't anyone elses problems, they are ours.  This has made me sort of numb to it all I guess.  

As a family, we can gear up for a 2 hour drive to sit in a dr office for 6 hours just to drive 2 hours home and we don't really bat an eye.  We pack our bags with activities, snacks and treats and just deal with it.  We can go for important tests as a family and have the girls behave so well.  We can sit in a hospital room with nothing to do and it doesn't phase us one bit.  I don't think much of spending a day without David doing various tests and procedures. We're used to the scheduling of surgeries and appointments.  We know how hard it is to ignore one child while putting all focus on the hospital kid.  (no matter how hard we try to make it fair, we come up short because life isn't fair) We're all used to the many prayers we need to say in order to make it through.  We are grateful for doctors, technology, nurses, and the like.  We know how much it means to have a friend or family member visit when we are in the hospital.  Or even send a text that they are thinking of us.  We have learned that when people think you are "strong and used to it" that they feel you have it all under control.  We don't.  We just don't want to become someone elses burden.  I feel like the second we are released from the hospital people stop caring.  We're home and we're grateful for that but the fact there is some major recovery going on solicits a little care doesn't it?  We usually get one meal total after we are discharged from the hospital and I usually have to request it from a close friend.  The ward never bands together for us like it seems to do for everyone else.  I don't understand it.  Is it because we are "used" to it?  Does anyone realize how exhausting a day at the dr is for us?  Not just physically but emotionally?  We usually have to get take out because the thought of cooking dinner makes me almost burst into tears.  

So having a hospital kid has also made me more compassionate in so many ways.  I know how much a hospital visit means so I try to always visit any family or friends who stay in the hospital.  Even if it is just for one or two days.  I know that whomever isn't staying in the hospital isn't thinking of themselves so I try to make sure they are fed.  I know that recovery goes on after someone is sent home and that can be more stressful because nurses aren't there helping.  I try to check in and offer my assistance.  I do all of this very sincerely.  I do.  I know how much such gestures have helped me so I try to pay it forward.

I know that this post probably comes off as more of a complaint or a pity party.  That isn't what it is meant to be.  It is just my thought process and how I realized that I have a hospital kid and what it means for me and for my family.  We realize that our worst doesn't compare to others.  We also realize that when others feel they are going through the worst most stressful situation and it seems like a routine thing for us that it is hard for them. We try to keep things in perspective. Nothing we have gone through is anything we haven't been able to handle.  It's been hard, but I keep in check because I know that so many people have it worse.  I dread watching my child wake up uncomfortable from a surgery but I know others dread watching their child suffer and die.  No parent should ever have to do that.  I'm one of the lucky ones.  Kadence is one of the lucky ones.  We are all luckier for having her in our lives.  She's strong and such a happy person.  Shelby is the best little sister ever.  She is so kind and takes such good care of Kadence. Neither one complains about any of it, it's all they know. David and I are a great team.  We make tough decisions together and then have to handle everyones criticism about if it is the right choice or not.  There is a reason that parents who have a medically difficult child often end up divorced.  It adds a whole new level of stress to the relationship.  I am so glad David and I grow closer during our hard times.  We are lucky and thank God every day for how truly blessed we are to have the doctors we do, the family and friends we do and the best two little girls in the whole world.