I am pretty good at being strong, or at least pretending to be strong. I figure I'll fake it til' I make it! I try to be more honest about my feelings and emotions though because I know how hard it can be when you feel like you should be handling things better because it appears that everyone else does. Recently my heart just hurts. Watching my girls hurt just rips me apart. I am strong for them in the moment, but then I go throughout the rest of the day/night trying to brainstorm and find a way to fix their worries. The fact of the matter is, I can't. That is my hard reality. I can't fix everything, I can't protect them from everything and I can't tell them everything will be ok all of the time. Here are a few things that have ripped me apart lately:
Shelby prays more and more for her sister. She will literally devote her entire prayers to Kadence and her surgeries. She prays her sister can be strong and brave. She prays that she can get Kadence a good present. She prays that Kadence will be happy and safe. When she is done, she says "Did you hear that? That prayer was just for you!" She loves her big sister so much and is trying so hard to be strong for her and encourage her.
Shelby has planned to buy Kadence presents to make her happy for a while now and the other night she finally thought of the "perfect" gift. Here is how our conversation went while I tucked her in bed:
Shelby: Mom, I finally know what I want to get Kadence but it has to stay between you, me and dad. If we don't have enough money that is ok because I will just use the money I saved for Boston. I don't need much in Boston anyways....maybe just a teddy bear.
Me: I promise we will have the money for whatever it is
Shelby: Ok, but if you don't have enough then you can count on me for the rest of the money.
Me: You don't need to save any of your Boston money, that is your money and you should spend it on fun things in Boston. Dad and I will pay for Kadence's presents.
Shelby: Ok, I want to get her a Build A Bear Workshop Palace Pet. (She always says the full name and it makes me giggle) I want to get her Pumpkin because that is her favorite. I think she will like it. I want to get the clothes to go with it too.
Me: I think that will be the perfect gift and it will make her so happy!
Shelby: It will make me happy too!
Me: Why?
Shelby: Because I get to give her a present to make her feel happy.
Seriously I just about broke down in happy tears but I think that would have freaked her out. She is a very thoughtful girl and she thinks each present through for quite some time to make sure it is perfect. The fact she is willing to give her own money just makes me heart almost burst. They have been saving for a long time so that they could buy souvenirs in Boston. They have done chores and worked hard at school to earn money and have avoided buying toys they want in the meantime.
Kadence goes from insanely happy to incredibly calm and sad in the blink of an eye. She was pretty excited about the surgeries as well as Boston until just recently. I think it has sunk in that it is coming. She is realizing just how long she will be in the hospital at this point and that is hard. I mean if you think about it she will be in a hospital bed for a minimum of 38 days. I don't know very many people who don't start to complain after about 5 days. I also know there are some people who spend the majority if not all of their life in a hospital and I am grateful that isn't us. We are lucky, we truly are. For a 7 year old though it is hard to comprehend how long 38 days really is. She got super excited out of nowhere and said "I am SO excited for Uncle Brians Easter egg hunt!! I just can't wait!" I then had to tell her that she would be in the hospital and we wouldn't be going. She nodded and tried to be tough, but her eyes welled up with tears and her lip started to quiver. Luckily her Aunt Rachel has been planning to come to the hospital and hide Easter eggs for her and Shelby to find. Once I told her, I thought she was going to die of happiness. She was truly grateful....the most sincerely grateful I have ever seen.
We were talking about a few things like Easter and how we would be spending it in the hospital. We talked about how the Easter bunny might leave their goodies at our house but if so that David would be able to grab it when he went to school on Monday. The girls were fine with that and thought it was great. I then said that we would be spending Mothers Day in the hospital. Kadence immediately said "I'm sorry that we don't get to go out mommy." She knows that the only thing I want for Mothers Day is to go out with my whole family. I love going to get ice cream or going for an overnight stay in a hotel, but ALWAYS with my whole family. I then assured her that we would just all spend the day together in her room and that it would be the perfect Mothers Day for me. I've already planned it out and just want to spend the day watching movies. I want David to get me an ice cream cake from Ben and Jerry's and we'll all just go at it with forks until it melts. It will be different, but perfect!
Something I have been really worried about is finding an Easter dress that will fit over Kadence's halo. normal shirts and stuff won't fit. I didn't think it would be hard to find a dress that buttons up the back, or has a tank top, etc but I always want it to be perfect for each girl. I get super picky about which dresses I want. I found one that would work great and showed it to Kadence when it arrived and she gave me the biggest hug ever and just said in the sweetest voice, "Thank you mommy"
This afternoon I told Shelby that we only had 3 weeks, or 21 days, until Boston. Usually anything under 30 she says "That isn't too many, I can count that high." She can count past 100 so I don't know where she came up with that phrase. Today instead of being excited we only had 21 days left all she said was "That means that Kadence's surgeries are really close now." I feel bad that both girls have mixed emotions about our vacation. They are excited, but they know that right after will be the surgeries.
Tonight was possibly the most heart breaking of all. David was tucking Kadence into bed and she just started telling him all his worries. She's worried the halo won't go on right. She's worried the rod won't go on right and that she'll never see Mrs Wright again. She's worried it will hurt. She's worried that everything will go wrong. She's worried she won't be able to bring her stuffed animal mono with her to the hospital. She was getting very anxious and then she asked her daddy for a blessing. She came out on the couch and sat on my lap while David gave her an amazing blessing. Nothing is sweeter than a little girl who knows she can go to her daddy and her Heavenly Father for comfort. There is no greater vision than my baby sitting on my lap with her head bowed and arms folded, listening to every word that comes from her dads mouth. I loved seeing Davids hands placed ever so gently on her head. I am so incredibly grateful that I have a husband that honors his Priesthood and is ready to give a blessing to any of us (or anyone) at any moment. There is such comfort that comes from the Priesthood and I am grateful to witness the comfort it brings. After the blessing Kadence said "Thank you daddy" and then was able to be calm enough to go right to sleep.
I hate that my girls are under so much stress and I hate even more that I can't fix it. I hate seeing them get upset. I know that these surgeries are our only choice at this point and both girls really understand that. They know it was a hard decision for David and I and they are happy we made it. I just can't wait until the first surgery so that their anxieties can be calmed and they can see that it will all be ok. I want to have my happy girls back!
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