A Little Venting...

I've always been told its better to write things down and get them out of your system vs holding it all in. Well, I don't plan on writing anything because it makes my hands hurt, so blogging it is the second best thing. A while ago I decided that I wanted to get out of the house for a while at least once a month. It makes me a better mom when I can spend some time away. David mentioned possible going out to eat with some of the ladies in the neighborhood....BRILLIANT! Or at least I thought. I messaged all the ladies in my ward and asked them if it was something they would be interested in. I also let them know that it would be a consistent date each month so they could plan around it. I got an overwhelming reply of YES and that it was something they needed as well. I was so excited to know that I wasn't the only one who wanted to leave my family for a few hours each month. It also was great to know that people wanted to join me. I have a hard time making friends and so this was huge for me to put myself out there and invite people. The first month was approaching and so I set up an "event" on facebook. Most people ignored it, a few declined and when it came down to it only myself and one other person went to eat. I didn't so much mind because things come up, people get busy, etc and most people said that they would still love to go next month. I also liked having time to catch up with Amy since we hadn't seen each other in quite some time. She's an amazing gal and we've had some similar experiences that make me feel close to her. We enjoyed our dinner, our chatting, and most importantly the time without kids smacking our leg for attention. :) The designated date was approaching again for this month so I again set up an "event." More people ignored than last time. Actually only about 5 people even acknowledged the event this time. I really appreciate those who decline and I don't even care if they give me a reason. It allows me to know who saw the event and I think its respectful to RSVP. I mean, seriously....back 100 years ago if you didn't RSVP you were looked down upon. It was very rude. Now people just come....or don't come....or maybe will show up for a few minutes, but you never have a good idea on how many to plan for. Anyways, it was back to being just Amy and I again which I was kind of excited about. Amy got sick and needed to stay home to rest so unfortunately she wasn't going to be meeting me for dinner. So basically out of about 20 or more people not a single person decided it would be a good idea to join me for dinner. It's kind of hard not to take it personally. I didn't know how people would feel about it in the first place which is why I sent out a message asking who would want to go before hand. I don't understand why everyone was so excited and eager to join me and each month I get one person or nobody who will join me. This is exactly why I don't put myself out there and why I don't go out of my way to get to know people. It usually just ends in disappointment. Today I could have really used a friend. It's my brothers birthday today. He passed away in 1992 and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him. Probably more so now that I am older, married, have kids, etc. I wonder what role he would have played in my life and the life of my kids. Would he have come to visit often? Would he have lived close to us? Would he be proud of me? His birthday is very emotional for me and I just wish her were here. I wish the girls could have made him cupcakes and put handfuls of sprinkles on top. I wish he were here to keep me company when nobody else would. Needless to say, I could have really used a friend and some company today. This will probably go down as the toughest birthday because David will be gone to parent teacher conferences all night long. Oh well, it makes me appreciate the VERY few but very good friends that I do have and makes me appreciate my loved ones who are still here. I love them all so much!