Sometimes...

I am incredibly good at hiding my emotions.  I have trained myself to be able to keep calm and collected no matter the situation.  I have been forced to accept trials and afterwards have been grateful and so I keep my complaints quiet.  But sometimes....sometimes I just can't handle things.  When the girls are in bed, I break down.  I might call my sister, or overload David with all of my concerns, fears and emotions.  Sometimes I just wish things were different.  The other day for example was one of those days.  As I changed Kadence I thought a few things.  First, Kadence doesn't like us seeing her naked.  There is no way to avoid that.  She is too young to put her brace on herself, let alone put it on correctly.  Once her brace is on she gets privacy but I know how desperately she wants to be a normal 7 year old girl who can close the door and get dressed in privacy.  Second, I hate seeing her completely disfigured body.  When I see her she is beautiful but I am anxiously awaiting the day that she doesn't view herself that way.  I like the imperfections of her body.  The scars remind me how hard she has fought to stay here and how lucky I am to have her.  The thing that pushed me over the edge was another day of sores.  Sometimes, just sometimes I can't handle it.  Here are the pictures from one single day.  In the first you can see a large part of her back is red and was well on its way to a pressure sore, in the middle you see a lighter portion where she constantly gets open wounds, below that you see a darker mark from where a sore still hadn't healed yet.  This, this I could handle.  It's more than usual but not more than we can handle. 

 What got me was when I turned her around.  She had two spots in the front that were starting to get a sore.  Really?  I just feel like this poor girl has had enough sores on her tiny little body. 

I did everything I could to compose myself, but at the end of the day I just had to break down.  I know the whole thing has to hurt.  Kadence doesn't complain, she doesn't even mention it.  We never even notice until we change her.  I just want her to be happy.  I don't want her to hurt.  I wish that I could take it all from her. 

 

 

I don't need sympathy, nor does she.  We are tough and we can handle anything we are dealt with.  I just wanted to stay true to my blog and the honesty I try to keep and let everyone know that even I have my breaking points.  I have to step back, realize we are doing all we can and loving her like she needs and we are all healthy.  I then realize how blessed I am and how lucky we are.  I only break for an evening and then I am ready for the next few months, but I am human and I do have my own little break downs.