We Can Only Try Our Best

Since it is Mothers Day weekend, I have tried to enjoy all the little surprises David has planned for me. In our house we try to make a weekend of holidays, not just one day. I usually LOVE Mothers Day, but this year I am finding it a little more difficult. I know as moms all we can do is try our very best, but I feel like I am falling short. (I'm not looking for comments telling me what a great mom I am by the way) I never really wanted to be much in life, but I did know that I wanted to be a mom. That's the only thing that stayed steady. I wanted to be a Psychiatrist, but then realized I care too much about people to have that as my job. I am in the WORST mood as David and the girls are out very lovingly cleaning my car. I love a clean car, and this is an amazing gift for me but I am unable to enjoy it because I feel undeserving. David planned a great Steak and Potato dinner complete with corn on the cob, but again I just don't feel like I deserve it. People tell me all the time what a great mom I am and how amazing my kids are but at the same time I have a constant humming in the background telling me that I am not doing a great job. I have been told that I am "too hard on the girls, too strict, unfair," I have been told that I should do everything for Kadence because she has special needs. I have been told that I push her too hard to do things that she struggles with. I have been told that I alone am the one that is hard on the girls and force David to be too. I have even had our decisions that we have made for Kadences medical treatment questioned. I know that if any of this was true that our girls wouldn't be as happy as they are. If you were to ask people to describe Kadence in one word they would tell you one of three options: Energetic, Strong, or HAPPY. I am always told how happy my girls are. You don't get happy girls by being "too hard" on them. They would be incredibly insecure. Even though I know these judgments are wrong and unfair, they still hurt more than anyone could understand. The only person I wanted to be in life was a mom and I feel like I am not doing a great job at it. I know that every mom can only do the best they can and that no particular parenting technique is perfect for all children or all households. I know that I am raising great kids who have manners, can do what I ask, don't throw tantrums, listen in public, are kind to others, and are just plain ol' HAPPY. I wish that certain people who like to pass judgement on my parenting would just take a look at all the positive things that we have done. Not just the before mentioned, but we have a special needs daughter who demands a lot of time and patience. She didn't get where she is now overnight, nor did she get here by herself. It took our loving guidance and constant encouragement. She used to not be able to even get on the couch by herself and now she can do SO many things. She is one tough girl, but she could only get there with LOVE. I think it will take a while for me to just be able to know that their opinions don't matter, but the hard part is that even though they don't matter and their perceptions aren't true it still hurts. It hurts so much that I don't even feel that I deserve to be celebrated as a mother. I have spent most of my day in tears because I know David has tried so hard to make my day a perfect one and I just simply don't feel like I have earned it. I'm hoping that now that I have vented my silly little woes I will be able to move on, be happy, and enjoy my family who loves me. In the end that is all that should matter. My girls are so excited for all of the secrets they have and have been so cute. They were so proud of themselves when they cleaned my car and they are proud of the "treasure box" they are making. (Even though that was supposed to be a surprise until tomorrow) I love them with all of my heart and will always do whatever it takes to make sure they are happy and well taken care of. Sorry you had to endure my little pity party.

On a better note, thank you to all the people who have been mothers to me. My own mom, my sisters, and many other women have invested time in me and showed me things that I wanted to do...and things I didn't. Either way they have helped mold me into the mother I am today and I am so grateful for that. I may not be the very best mom, but I am trying my very best to be and that's what matters.

Oh, Kadence just ran up to me and said, "HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOMMY!" and gave me a great big hug. I told her that Mothers Day isn't until tomorrow and she said, "I know, I'm just practicing." Man I love my kids. Thank you David for doing such a great job at being a good dad and an amazing husband. Thank you for putting so much effort into my special day. I appreciate it and love seeing how happy the girls are to help you show me that I am loved.