My Best Friend

I am somewhat mourning the loss of a friend....who is still alive. This person has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. She has been there with me through a lot. Our whole friendship is a giant inside joke. I have been in denial for a while that I'm not as important to her as she is (and always will be) to me. I love her dearly no matter where life takes her. I ignored the fact that my best friend wasn't there during my miscarriages, for my bridal shower, when I was in the hospital, when my baby was on life support, when I had my babies, when my grandma died, etc. I always made an excuse as to why she didn't come. (Not that it made it hurt any less) I realize I have missed just as many tough times in her life, but it wasn't because I didn't try. I have visited her at her house a few times, I tried to get in better touch with her after she entered rehab, I have tried sending messages, but they often go without a response. I don't care what she is doing as long as it makes her 100% happy. That's all I want for her. I'm beginning to realize that, at least for now, 100% happy means life without me. I have REALLY been struggling lately as I have come to realize and try to accept the fact that we just aren't the same "best friends." I have avoided making friends because I know that nobody can take her place. Nobody will remember shaving our legs with peanut butter, taking baths together, trying to pierce our belly buttons with a safety pin, making a "house" under the kitchen table, chasing cars in front of our house, making our own lotions, trying to tattoo ourselves...again with a safety pin. Nobody knows how to make nachos out of Doritos perfectly like her, how to make frosting for graham crackers, and the perfect cheese ratio for crackers and cheese. I still remember the day she found a positive pregnancy in her moms garbage which resulted in her little sister, holding her sister for the first time and thinking we would be the BEST big sisters ever. Everyone knew that if they wanted one of us to babysit, we would both be coming. We were there for each other for cheer tryouts and dance competitions. We both knew how bad her brothers soccer gloves would smell after a game. We even had sex for the first time the same week. We have made Sunday School and YW leaders cry (which now I feel bad for), neighbors dislike us, people in stores stare, and lots of people laugh. Nobody will understand the midnight Slurpee runs, Quarter pops, Wendys runs, our love for Otter Pops, Chicken Soft Taco runs, and chasing down the Ice Cream Man like her. I now have to face the hard reality that she is no longer needing me and has moved on, problem is...I still need her. After finding out through her ex boyfriend that he saw she was engaged...on facebook I realized I was no longer a priority to her. When I told her how much that sucked to find out in such a way she told me that they hadn't really told many people yet. Really? I think once you decide to post it on facebook you have decided to tell EVERYONE. I always had dreams of us growing old together and remain constant friends. I will never give up on her and will always be there for her at the drop of a dime. She is the one person I will drop everything for...even my family. (David knows and understands) I now have to face the reality that I need to put myself out there and make a new friend. This will be hard because nobody will ever replace her. I need a friend who won't judge me...NO MATTER WHAT I do or don't do. I need to feel totally comfortable. They need to be unjudgemental. They need to be able to come over when my house is in shambles, the girls aren't dressed, and I don't even have a bra on and not bat an eyelash. I need someone who I can be me around. Someone I don't have to prove myself to or try to impress. This is my little vent about the sadness and heartache I have been feeling the past little while. My heart aches and I hope that it's only a temporary loss of a best friend.